Oh Hey 39, Can we do a take 2? 

Anger, loneliness, fear, anxiety, deep happiness, burning frustration…none of the adjectives I thought I’d be using to describe my world at 39 but the first ones that popped into my head. 

You see at 39, I thought I’d be prepping in a big way for 40! I always viewed 39 as the pre-game for the big 4-0, where you line all up the fabulous things to fete at forty—

Husband, kids, house, car, and travel points racked up.

I’m supposed to be planning a girls' trip to somewhere luxurious or a big 40th! 

Yet each morning in my meditation time (read: locked bathroom door with two kids and a husband calling my name and my blind deaf dog crying) of usually a quick 10/15 minutes getting ready these are thoughts that keep swimming in my mind fighting for my already stretched thin mental attention: 

When is the rent due

Why is health insurance so damn expensive under COBRA

How much of Mina’s clothes can I save for Froggy without it being too girly?

They need new coats again?

When was the last time I washed my hair?

Did I call my mother yesterday?

Ugh - I should/need to call my father's nursing home just so they know someone is around.

Why does it have to be me though??

Hmmm - book club coming up - what excuse not to go this time?

You really need to focus on your health Neeks?

But when? How? I’m always with one kid.

Must be nice to say “I’m working” as a way to not be with the kids all day and not do the mental gymnastics

How much is a ticket to Trinidad?

Do I even really wanna go?

Billlsssssss

Which friend can I call/text today and not be a downer if I complain?

I need a job

321, 123 what the heck is bothering me….

SIGH

Yes. That’s 15 minutes. There’s more I can go into but it’s safe to say my 39 looks and feels much less glamorous than I thought it would. I thought I’d be well on my way to being a Judge, have a brownstone/house, 2.5 kids (that I have) all the goods. Instead, I’m an overwhelmingly annoyed, burnt-out 39yo stay-at-home mom - not by choice - but by way of being terminated while I was pregnant; yes, you read that right. I’m juggling bills, marriage, motherhood, and life and trying to be a gentle parent and partner.

I wish more people told the truth about the background of life, the behind-the-scenes of motherhood, and the take 2’s of just being or trying to be. There is a lot I wasn’t prepped for and while I do find immense joy and happiness in many moments of life and I’m thoroughly enamored and obsessed with my kids, there’s a part of me that wishes someone had said…

“Hey kid, enjoy 25, don’t get too tied down, travel, stay out late, take the extra drink, move, journal, bike, whatever YOU want, but also - put away some of that money while you can, live alone, wake up late - enjoy the mundane - because it changes and it’s hard.”

“Beautiful but hard.” 

Maybe 40 will see me having 20 minutes of actual meditation time, until then—

Thanks for reading! 

AS Esq.